The American Dream (1)

Manhattan bridge 12/2014

I've been so keen to write this article for so long but don't know how to start and feel that I am not good enough to write this.
Also, I really don't want to make a fuss about studying abroad since who knows the changes you faced are really helpful. We are obviously not superior to others even though we constantly fall into this type of illusion. However, there are some experience.




About 8 months ago, she stepped in America, looking excited and aspiring.
She was so lost in the airport to wander around, finding the way to air train and then bumped into a family.
"Hi, where are you from?"
"I'm from Taiwan and this is my first time in America." she was grinning with excitement and slightly ambition.
They beamed with pleasure, saying "oh! really? First time in America.. Then welcome!"
This was the first time the rumor of "friendly American" was proved.

I still remember that this young girl carrying two luggages was so confused by the public transportation in NYC and then shocked by kind people constantly asking if she needed help in the hustle and bustle. She ran into a guy from the west coast quitting his college and following people to take films. The boggling spontaneity surprised the girl again.
"Why were you willing to do this? I mean...people don't just quit their school, right?"
"Because this is what I want. I want to learn how to actually shoot a movie. It has been a few years since I left."

She then got on the bus heading towards the city three-hour far away from NYC. There were only the driver and a black girl on the way with her. The bus was just so silent that the music from the black girl's headphone was thundering loud. The eerie silence always triggered contemplation. She was wondering what kind of adventure was ahead. Then the thought was permeating through the air. She fall asleep.

It was the first day.
And almost 240 days later, I am here.

For those who have English as your second language and are about to live abroad, here are some things both interesting and intimidating I have been tackling.

Such as...
1. To to honest, every time people ask me about Taiwan, I usually end up with those meaningless words and probably food... I used to feel upset because my own culture was so alienating to me.
2. As a Taiwanese who has relatively shallow knowledge about foreign country, the life here indeed blows my mind in some way. But somehow doing something not quite accepted by social norms is not a big deal finally. (No kidding)

I also have a special difficulty of getting rid of language barrier.
I am always wondering if I am the only one that suffers from the frustration of being not enough competent.
Even if I have been in America for a not short but long enough period, I assume, sometimes when I wake up, I still have the sense that "oh Jesus!! I am in a bad condition of speaking English today," (but seriously what on earth will people actually have that special awareness?)
I've tried several ways to figure out the  reason why I am stuck in this situation for so long, such as drinking vodka before classes or doing exercises, etc.
It sounds absurd but I did drew a conclusion that I may have a slightly better expression skill when I am in a good mood to the degree that crazy and silly behavior is not shameful anymore.

Then I think that's the point. We all got the high self-esteem somehow.
Shame is the main thing that actually blocks in our way to get better.
Be fearless but careful at the same time. 

(My lifehack is to do the shadowing of what people said. That helps you get into the mode quickly.)  


I was lost before and have been lost ever since, finding the pieces of myself around.

我其實想寫這篇文章很久了，但不知道如何下手，而且總覺得自己不夠格寫這個。
除此之外，總覺得出國本來就沒有什麼特別的，沒有因為這樣我們就超過別人一點，即使我們常常不小心陷入這種錯覺。但是，就是經驗吧。



八個月前，她洋溢著興奮和抱負剛到美國。
為了找到公車總站的地鐵站她迷了路在機場裡走來走去，遇到了一個家庭。
「你好，你是哪裡人呢？」
「我從台灣來的，而且這是我第一次到美國。」她興奮地笑著。
他們笑著回應：「歡迎啊！」
「友好的美國人」的有趣傳聞就這樣第一次被證實。

我還記得，這個女孩提著兩個行李茫然地看著紐約的地鐵，接著被熙熙攘攘的人群中善良的陌生人嚇到。
她遇見了一位來自西岸的男孩，他放棄了學業之後獨自跟著別人到處拍電影。
「你為什麼願意這樣做？...通常大家不會選擇放棄學業吧？」
「因為這是我想要的，我想學如何真正地拍攝一部電影。自從離開學校以後已經過好多年了。」

接著，她終於上了那台開往遠離紐約市三小時車程的城市。當時只有司機和一個黑人女孩與她共乘，車上沉默得使黑人女孩的耳機音樂格外響亮，然而這樣的沉靜總是激起著沉思。女孩想著未來的冒險，想著想著，看著想法四散到空氣中，她睡著了。

這是第一天。
大約240天後，我在這裡。

對於那些即將到國外生活而英文是你的第二語言的人，也許有些事情你也會有共鳴

例如...
1.其實每次有人問我對台灣的感覺，通常最終我都會變成講一些毫無意義的話或食物......此時你會覺得自身的台灣文化卻特別疏遠你。
2.很多特別的文化一定會嚇死你，當你有著相對淺薄的國際視野。但也莫名其妙的到最後做一些社會規範不太接受的事情時也不是什麼大不了的事。

我還有著強烈且特別的語言障礙
也常常想我是不是唯一一個挫折於自己不夠好的語言能力的人
即使我已經在美國待不算短的時間，有時候，早上醒來時，仍然有種突然的感覺「啊完了，我覺得我今天英文應該沒辦法說得太好。」（但最好會有人真的有這種感覺）
我曾經試過很多方法來找出為什麼我陷入這種特別的情況，像是在上課前喝酒或是運動。
聽起來可能很荒謬可是我卻真的得到了結論。也許當我心情特別好的時候就會這樣吧，好到覺得做丟臉的事情也不可恥的時候，英文好像就在錯覺上變好了。

我們總是有著那麼莫名其妙的強自尊
而感到羞恥卻是明顯地是擋在我們面前的主要原因，因此
小心且無所畏懼看著學著說著就是最終的解決辦法吧。

（小撇步用影子法複述別人講的話，然後讓自己快速進入那個特別的講英文模式）

我迷失過，而且自此之後還是迷失著，卻在過程中慢慢找回自己。



Hsia. 4/22/2015